Tag Archives: family memories

Encounters with Yiddish: The Old in the New World

By Ronald H. Linden (Pittsburgh, PA)

Among the basic tools we carry with us in life are our personal language experiences; what we heard first as infants, conversations around the dinner table, the cacophony of our larger communities. If we pay attention and are good mimics, we can connect with people outside and inside our families and homes using the building blocks of these languages.

But language does more than allow our comprehension and expression; it marks us and links us to our past—to “the old country” and the old places. This is especially true if we were fortunate enough to have experienced an environment suffused with Yiddish, which Leo Rosten called “The language of the heart.” 

For most of us Yiddish flowed from our grandparents.  They brought this language with them from all over Europe and the Middle East.  But their intermediaries—our own parents—often walled us out of their conversations, preferring to keep an adults-only method of kibbitzing with the rest of the mishpochah.

Still, the expressive power of Yiddish could not really be contained; for example, when a bubbe held a grandchild’s face in her hands and gushed over a shayna punim.  Or when that same bubbe wondered why you were leaving so soon, “What, have you got shpilkes?” 

For my father and many of his generation, the first born here, Yiddish was their mama loshen. It was the language of mother and home certainly, but it was to be confined there as part of a fierce struggle to be as American as possible, to be part of the new–not the old–world. And he succeeded.

Yet the staying power of his Yiddish, relegated to a minor chord, never left him. I had the opportunity to see this close up in an ironic and surprising way.  Near the end of the Cold War my family and I were living in Munich, Germany as I had a position with Radio Free Europe. My parents came to visit. My father had fought in World War II and my mother had lost her first husband in the Battle of the Bulge. For these reasons and because they were Jews, a trip to Germany was not a casual undertaking.  My father demonstrably stomped the ground in Hitler’s favorite city to announce his—and our people’s–presence.

An outgoing person with Yiddish in his pocket, my father wanted to communicate with the Germans, but he was understandably hesitant.  Unexpectedly—and ironically–the opportunity came through a casual meeting with a policeman on the street. The officer’s youth, openness and interest in America pushed the right buttons. In response, and perhaps unexpectedly even to him, my father’s ancestral language rose to the surface. The distance between them closed. I could see his excitement grow in the exchange and for the first time in ages, I saw him use expressions and deploy the language’s natural rhythm. In this most unlikely of places he made a cross-generational, cross-cultural human connection. Yiddish made that possible. (As a bonus for me, learning German, I was now included.)

 I learned from this encounter that your mama loshen is always with you. I saw this even more vividly some years later with my wife’s grandmother, whom everyone called, of course, Bubbe.  As an orphan from a tiny shtetl in the Russian empire, she was matched to an older man, whose wife had died, and moved to western Ukraine. With her husband soon gone to America, she and her family of four children were engulfed by WWI, the Russian Revolution and Civil War. She survived by trading across fluid territories and borders, adding Russian and Polish to her native Yiddish.

When her moment came to flee with her family, she and thousands of Jews took up residence in the new state of Poland and soon after left for America. Still unable to read or write, she nevertheless learned English and embraced her new country with deep gratitude. More than her businessman husband, she plunged into American life; she shopped, went to the movies and travelled. The orphan girl from a village without electricity who once spoke only Yiddish watched a man land on the moon on American television in English.

Then the mama loshen, which had never really left her, returned. As she grew older, Bubbe began to converse more and more in Yiddish only.  Her physical infirmities grew but her brain remained sharp—it just reverted back to its earliest tools for communication.  Even when she thought she was speaking English, out came Yiddish.  By then we had gained enough understanding of Yiddish ourselves to be with her and never let on. We entered her world as she was leaving it. The power of Yiddish was displayed once again in the form of a precious gift: the chance to create in America a meaningful and sweet goodbye to the orphan girl from the shtetl.

Ronald H. Linden is professor emeritus of political science at the University of Pittsburgh, where he directed the Center for European Studies and the Center for Russian and East European Studies. He served as Director of Research for Radio Free Europe in Munich, Germany during the extraordinary changes ending the Cold War in Europe. In addition to his scholarly publications and international commentary (see his professional profile here) Ron has authored essays on The Night The Berlin Wall Came Down,”Changing the rules — in life as in baseball”; “Finding Boba Fett: The Pandemic Leaves a Gift,” “The New Pogroms.”

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A Kugel Story

by Hillary Powell (Brooklyn, NY)

We crowded into a small apartment in Brooklyn after my mother’s second cousin’s funeral. My maternal grandmother was one of six children and maternal grandfather one of five. In many ways this childhood memory blurred into others, of crowding into living rooms across the tri-state area for reunions and gatherings, often meeting cousins I never met before and never saw again. 

But this shiva (circa 1980) stood out. The mood was somber and Rose, my widowed second cousin, looked wrung out, her face gray, her eyes rimmed red. Then cousin Susan brought out an unusually delicious golden, sweet noodle kugel. I recall Rose grieving, processing her loss openly, “I am just so sad Richard didn’t get here in time to say goodbye to his father.” Yet with each bite of kugel, her eyes lit up. “Have you tasted this noodle kugel?” she asked the mourners. We all began to try the kugel, to discuss how extraordinary it was, finding a bit of joy on that sad day. 

Nearly half a century later, after the unimaginable events during the weekend of December 13th, 2025, it seemed necessary to bake and share the most comforting of Jewish comfort foods. Over this weekend, tragic events unfolded in less than 48 hours: shootings at Brown University and MIT; an antisemitic terrorist attack at a Chanukah celebration on Bondi Beach in Australia; and the murder of Rob and Michele Reiner, likely by their own son. All of these events rattled me, even as these acts of violence have become shockingly commonplace. 

This time, one event was too close for the numbness to settle in quickly as it often does after the initial news flash.  My niece is a sophomore at Brown and hid in her dorm closet during the shooting. My sister called me a few days later. After rushing to get my niece safely off campus and home, she finally broke down, her emotions bursting the dam she had built to stay strong for her daughter. I did my best to soothe, reassure, and focus on the unfathomable idea that my niece’s survival was some kind of good luck. 

I couldn’t do much to ease all this pain, but I needed to do something. “I’m making kugel!” I announced. My children, accustomed to my mom’s fluffy but raisin-filled kugel, had a request, “No raisins, please.” I wanted the kugel to be light and fluffy the way my mother makes it. But I was also determined to capture the power of that legendary kugel from so many years ago.

What made the kugel from my second cousin’s shiva extra delicious? Those details were murky. Was it a streusel topping? Was it something else? In any event, I thought a streusel topping would be a good sweet substitute for raisins.  

Searching online, I found a kugel recipe with a streusel topping, but the recipe called for cream cheese which I know my mom doesn’t use for her fluffy kugel, and it needed to be fluffy — a light-hearted, flexible, resilient kugel! I worried the cream cheese would make it too dense. I asked my mom for a recipe, but she said she bakes it from memory and changes it every time, which is exactly what a Jewish grandma would say. 

I found a recipe with the ingredients my mother uses—many eggs, sour cream and cottage cheese. I combined the streusel topping recipe with the fluffy kugel recipe, baked a sample kugel and assessed. I took that first bite and determined it was not the Platonic noodle kugel I had imagined. It didn’t quite match the memory I had of that perfect kugel from years ago. But I also began to recognize that perhaps this quest was quixotic. I was attempting to recreate a feeling as much as a flavor, and I decided this kugel was pretty delicious and close enough.

In the end, I baked four noodle kugels for four holiday events over two days, coping with the tragedies of the week, of the year, of this era. The whisk of the mixer made yolks disappear into a rich custard that then coated bouncy noodles. My spirits were buoyed momentarily as the sweet “incense” rose like a prayer, as the casseroles stopped trembling and finally set, transformed by a warm oven into a delicate but steady soufflé. I stacked them in the refrigerator, leaving no room for regular, everyday groceries. It was time to share them.

At one friend’s party, an Italian woman who had never tasted kugel asked the host, “What is this crack casserole?” People hovered over the last piece, and it was eventually divided up. Introducing a tradition to those unfamiliar with Jewish culture felt especially gratifying in this challenging moment for Jews. 

There were leftovers from the second party, and my friend brought them to her own cousin, who has a chronic illness and almost no appetite. But just as I recalled from years ago, the kugel was somehow restorative. It was the one food my friend’s cousin could enjoy and she requested the recipe so her caregiver could bake it the next day.

One kugel was for a Chanukah gathering with my sister’s family. I gave two servings each to my niece and my sister like it was medicine.

There are no comfort foods that can completely heal us all right now, that can bring back lives that have been lost and ease all our pain. A kugel is not magic; it cannot make cohesive what is fractured. But it is not nothing either to fill our homes with the scent of butter and cinnamon, watch brown sugar toppings caramelize and bubble, and share this decadent holiday treat with our loved ones, friends, and even strangers. Mixed together, eggs, soft cheese, butter, sour cream, sugar, salt, cinnamon, vanilla, and springy noodles bond gracefully and gently, becoming something better than each ingredient alone.

Hillary Powell works as a grant manager for Covenant House New Jersey, a nonprofit that serves youth experiencing homelessness. She is also a singer-songwriter. HIllary lives with her husband and two kids in Brooklyn, N.Y. Her website can be found at this link: https://www.hillarypowellmusic.com/

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Immigrants All

by Miriam Bassuk (Seattle, WA)

I come from wandering Jews,

merchants, lawyers, teachers,

grocery store owners.

I come from those who rode steerage

slept above deck in turbulent seas,

walked miles as young teens

to depart from Bremen, Germany

leaving all they knew

speaking Russian, Polish, Yiddish,

carrying only brass candlesticks

and a few coins.

Born from a mother

who labored long,

the only one in her family

to be born in a hospital.

All the others were born at home,

assisted by midwives.

I remember flowers, bloated

peonies on dining room wallpaper,

lilacs and lilies of the valley

gathered in large bouquets

to grace our table. I remember

my mother as a lion,

my champion at school.

When teachers were difficult,

she sang for me.

Sang sweet songs

in a kitchen, her haven,

spoke Yiddish to her father,

a frequent visitor. I remember

hot nights, looking out 

my bedroom window.

Scents of honeysuckle and roses,

haunting train whistle,

far in the distance.

How we might stray far from our roots,

escape the cloistered life

of segregated neighborhoods,

only to return, imprinted

on some cellular level

by those early risk takers.

Miriam Bassuk’s poems have appeared in Snapdragon, Borderless, 3 Elements Review, and The Jewish Writing Project. She was one of the featured poets in WA 129 project sponsored by Tod Marshall, the Washington State poet laureate. As an avid poet, she has been charting the journey of living in these uncertain times.

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Goodbye Again, Aunt Lens

by Elliot Zashin (Merrillville, IN)

In my 50s, I was still receiving birthday cards from my Aunt Lens, one of my father’s sisters. Like clockwork, I knew the card would arrive on time, and although I thought there might be some age when she would decide I was too old for birthday cards, that day never came. I realize now that in some way I was still the little boy she used to babysit or the preadolescent stamp collector who came to visit at her home and talk about stamps with my uncle, who was an expert amateur philatelist. So for her, I’d never be too old to get a birthday card.

I usually saw Aunt Lens (her self-adopted nickname for Lena) once a year in the summer, when I was in NYC to study at the Jewish Theological Seminary. My Uncle Bernard, who lived near Aunt Lens, picked her up and brought her to his home, giving me an opportunity to chat with both Aunt Lens and her sister, my Aunt Mollie. We always went to the same local Chinese restaurant and ordered the same dishes, leaving with the same doggie bags. We weren’t keeping kosher, but it was still a ritual observance.

Aunt Lens was always pleased to see me; never having had any children of her own, she had a special fondness for the daughters and sons of her five siblings. Aunt Lens was a short woman, a little on the plump side, but always neatly attired and coiffed. She had an alert manner but generally didn’t have a lot to say during these visits. In her later years, her life was probably rather routine and even monotonous, so she may not have felt inclined to expand on her daily doings. Twice widowed after being married to demanding husbands, she never had a chance to fulfill her own capabilities, which, I’d heard from my mother, were considerable. My father’s family was very traditional, very patriarchal, and whatever her youthful ambitions might have been, Aunt Lens had loyally fulfilled her role in the family.

Even as her health became more delicate, she never complained in my presence. I knew that my father’s sisters were very close, and throughout their adult years, they called each other every day. This was part of who they were and perhaps gave them a chance to vent a bit. The family didn’t believe in airing its problems openly. When Uncle Bernard called to say Aunt Lens had died, I felt that I should attend the funeral, but despite some pangs of conscience I let the inconvenience of making a quick trip to NYC be my excuse for staying home. The next summer when I visited with him and Aunt Mollie, he described the funeral:

Because Aunt Lens hadn’t been a member of a synagogue for many years, Uncle Bernard had recruited Rabbi Ploni (not his real name, but the term the Talmudists used to describe an anonymous rabbi) to conduct the burial service. He was one of the itinerant rabbis who could be found through the cemetery on short notice. Shortly before the graveside ceremony, my grieving relatives briefed him about who Aunt Lens was and why they loved her. Unbeknownst to them, Rabbi Ploni was juggling a number of services at the same time. Funerals didn’t necessarily occur evenly over the weeks and months, but these gigs were how Rabbi Ploni made his living; he couldn’t afford to pass one up just because scheduling was tight.

The little group of my two aunts, one uncle, and several nieces gathered near the open grave and waited for Rabbi Ploni to arrive. The usual graveside ceremony for a Jewish burial is a rather simple matter: a psalm or two, el mole rachamim, kaddish, and of course the eulogy. Jews are rather matter of fact about death and burial. We don’t make an elaborate ritual of returning “dust to dust.” My relatives weren’t expecting any surprises; they’d been through this before with other members of the family, and Rabbi Ploni seemed to know the drill. But soon after he began his eulogy, my relatives became confused; before long it dawned on them that he wasn’t speaking of Aunt Lens but of some other woman, expatiating on her many virtues. My uncle, as the only male and the arranger of the funeral, had to interrupt and get Rabbi Ploni back on track. The rabbi was very embarrassed and apologetic but managed, after some shuffling, to find the correct remarks, complete the eulogy, and bring the ceremony to a close.

As I mentioned, my father’s family didn’t believe in making a fuss publicly; my grandparents and my aunts and uncles believed in decorum, not chutzpah. Even if it meant swallowing some gall, you did it because it wasn’t right to make a scene and embarrass others or yourself. So my relatives stumbled away from the graveside after saying kaddish and dropping clods of earth on the coffin, mumbling to each other and feeling very humiliated. Even though only members of the immediate family were there and they hadn’t been embarrassed in front of friends and acquaintances—what a shanda. My oldest cousin was furious and demanded that my uncle not give Rabbi Ploni the usual honorarium, but Uncle Bernard didn’t think this proper, despite his own feeling that the rabbi had screwed up badly. After all, this was how the rabbi made his living; you couldn’t deny a man his living.

Hearing my uncle’s story, I felt rather guilty that I hadn’t attended; as the most knowledgeable Jew in my extended family, perhaps I might have done something to stop Rabbi Ploni before he got so far off or at least done something to assuage my relatives’ discomfort and salvage the memory they would have of this event. At the same time, however, I was amused because this tale of the misbegotten eulogy had the wry comic quality of a Sholom Aleichem or Y.L. Peretz story, particularly with its ironic edge: Aunt Lens, a loyal and dedicated daughter to her parents, a wife who catered to her two husbands, a loving sister to her siblings, and a fond aunt to all her nieces and nephews, hadn’t complained that her life had been unfulfilling; she’d done all that was asked of her and more. And yet, as she departed this world, she couldn’t even get a proper eulogy. Why not? Because Rabbi Ploni, an honorable man struggling to make a living helping Jews in mourning, had taken on too much that day and gotten his note cards mixed up in the press of a busy afternoon. Life can play such tricks on us.

Some months later, Uncle Bernard called to tell me it would soon be time for the unveiling at Aunt Lens’s grave. My uncle could now smile a little at the memory of the funeral, but he still wasn’t about to hire another rabbi; one humiliation was enough. Thus he wanted to know what the appropriate prayers and rituals were. My first response was to say that I’d call my own rabbi and get back to him, but then I realized I had a chance to do tshuvah. “Uncle Bernard, don’t trouble yourself. I’ll come to NY and officiate—even for a funeral you don’t really need a rabbi, and certainly not for this kind of ceremony.”

And so my relatives had a second chance to say goodbye to Aunt Lens. As we gathered at the gravesite, I explained the significance of the unveiling ceremony: that Jews returned almost a year later to the scene of the funeral in order to close the formal mourning period as a community. I read a few of the customary unveiling psalms. Instead of a formal eulogy, I spoke of my memories of Aunt Lens and related a couple of humorous anecdotes about babysitting me that she’d enjoyed telling and retelling over the years.

Then I invited my relatives to share their memories—mostly the happy ones—and they responded in kind, almost eagerly. Each had a story or reflection: what a loyal sister she’d been, the daily telephone conversations, her cheerful tone (even when life might not have been), her unusual sense of style and keen eye for detail, her missed career as an interior decorator because of her dedication to being the bookkeeper for the family business. From the younger generation came memories of the birthday cards she never failed to send, her pride in their accomplishments, and her presence at all the family simchas.

Once we’d exhausted, for the time being, the memories that would live on, we said kaddish and grew quiet. As we walked away from the newly placed headstone, I saw smiles on my family’s tear-streaked faces. Aunt Lens had finally gotten her eulogy, and now her memory could be a blessing for us all.

Elliot Zashin was a Hillel director for 13 years at 2 different campuses, after being an academic (political science) for almost 13 years (without tenure). While working for Hillel, he took an MA at the Jewish Theological Seminary during summer breaks.  (That is where he learned about the title Rabbi Ploni, and much else.)  He comes by his sense of Jewishness through his father, who was a self-taught Bible interpreter, leading sessions at the Jewish Home for the Aged in Tucson after he retired from a business in NYC, and who wrote a lot about current events, political issues, and essays usually imbued with Mosaic ethics.

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A final flower for Shabbat

by Steve Lipman (Forest Hills, NY)

$8.66.

That’s how much a single long-stemmed rose cost me in May at a florist’s shop in the Houston suburb where my mother had lived in a skilled nursing home for a few weeks. She was undergoing rehabilitation to strengthen her for a return to the assisted living facility where she had lived for more than a year.

I bought the flower on a Friday morning in May on the way to visit Mom. I was in Texas for a few weeks while my sister — a Sandwich Generation Baby Boomer who ordinarily took care of Mom’s affairs, while playing an active role in the lives of her adult daughters — was spending a week out of the country with a vacationing daughter.

I was covering for my sister, driving to visit Mom every day, besides Shabbat.

That erev Shabbos I stopped at the florist’s to keep up a long-standing tradition. When earlier visiting my folks in Buffalo (Dad was alive until 2005), and when visiting Mom since she had moved to the Houston area (she settled there the year after Dad died), I always bought her a bouquet for Shabbat. Or for yom tov, if I visited on a chag. Whether she was in her own apartment, or subsequently in assisted living.

She always appreciated the flowers.

Would she this time?

At 104, she was rapidly declining – physically, mentally and emotionally. She recently had been officially diagnosed with the onset of dementia. Though the diagnosis only confirmed the obvious.

Her energy and acuity diminishing, she often spent a day – or most of it – in bed, hardly eating, which further weakened her.

Nevertheless, I brought flowers for Shabbat. That was my mitzvah, my tradition. No one else in the family had done it on a regular basis.

Mom, while not an Orthodox Jew by any means, found the flowers a reminder of the frum home of immigrants from Eastern Europe in which she had grown up.

By the time I spent in Texas recently, it was questionable how much she remembered.

Over the years, each bouquet was different – depending on the weather or time of year, the imminence of any Jewish or secular holiday, my mood or Mom’s mood, my budget or other conditions. Different smells, different colors, different arrangements. One bouquet from a Buffalo-area supermarket one year, for a reason that neither Mom nor I understood, featured an artichoke amidst the blooms; the artichoke did not add to our aesthetic or dietary enjoyment.

Mom would happily display the flowers each time in a vase on the living room table, where she hosted a Shabbat meal for me and some family guests, or somewhere else in the room easily within sight.

At the Texas Friday in May, I had considered not getting Mom any flowers. What’s the point? Would she notice?

In the nursing home, after a recent hospitalization, she was barely conscious, hardly spoke to anyone on the staff or to visitors when she was surprisingly awake, rarely opened her eyes, would mostly mumble a few words. She might not appreciate – or recognize – flowers.

But I decided to get some, to honor Mom and to honor Shabbat.

This might be my last chance, I thought.

I drove to the florist shop on a state highway near my sister’s home.

No full bouquet this time; Mom didn’t have a vase in her room. A single flower, a reminder of Shabbos kodesh, would suffice; a wrapped flower I could leave with Mom.

What sort of flower? I had no preference. Maybe an orchid or a lily. For sure, an actual flower, not an artificial one – as a symbol of life, of hope.

A middle-aged saleswoman behind the counter, sporting a Houston Texans football team T-shirt, invited me to look around. She pointed to groups of flowers on vases scattered around the front of the store and in a refrigerator. The shop was not large, but the variety of flowers was.

“We have more in the back,” she said, directing me to a room where other employees were at work picking and snipping a rainbow’s worth of blooms. I walked into the back room and looked around. A vaseful of tall pink-and-white roses – the pink was clearly introduced by dye via capillaries into the originally white flowers — caught my eye.

That was my choice.

What woman doesn’t like a rose?

“I’ll take one of those.”

One of the workers cut the stem into about a foot’s length, added some greens and baby’s breath, connected them to a small vial of water that kept it all hydrated, covered it with some light green wrapping paper, and handed it to me.

$8.66.

A lot of money for a single flower.

I rarely depend on gematria for writing the divrei Torah that have dominated a significant chunk of my time since my full-time job ended in 2020. But one numerical equivalence seemed appropriate – one gematria of 866 is c’ahavat ha’mishpacha – “as the love of the family.”

My sentiments, exactly.

I laid the flower on the passenger’s seat of Mom’s car, and set off on the 25-minute drive to her nursing home.

In her room, Mom appeared to be asleep.

“Good morning, Mom,” I said loudly. 

She didn’t stir.

I repeated my greeting.

“Huh?”

“Today is Friday, and tonight is Shabbos. I brought you a flower.”

“Good.”

“Open your eyes!”

Mom opened her eyes.

I held the modest Shabbat gift in front of her.

“Oh, beautiful.”

Then she closed her eyes again.

I put the flower across the top of a small bedside dresser, so Mom could see it if she turned her head.

At least she, and any aides who entered her room – none of them Jewish – would know that Judaism’s holy Day of Rest was making an appearance.

After a while, I took Mom, helped by an aide into her wheelchair, outside for a while for some fresh air. Then it was lunch time. An aide in the dining hall would feed Mom her meal.

I wished Mom a “Good Shabbos!” and kissed the top of her head, took a final long look at her, and headed back to my sister’s house.

It was the last flower I bought for Mom for Shabbat.

Since the first week in August, three months after I brought the flower, Mom has rested in Houston’s National Cemetery, in a plot where Jewish mesora dictates that flowers are not appropriate.

$8.66 was a good investment.

I thought: $8.66 is expensive for one flower. But it’s a cheap price for a memory.

____

Steve Lipman was a staff writer for The New York Jewish Week from 1983 until 2020.

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A Blue Bag in a Red Country

By Mara Koven-Gelman (Buffalo, NY)

The year was 1983. 

I was a Boston University junior studying abroad at a London college.  March break was approaching and I joined my friends for a one-week Russian government Intourist trip to Leningrad and Moscow for $200 (black bread and vodka included.)  This was before the opening of Russia with Perestroika (restructuring) and Glasnost (transparency.) All religion was still banned in former USSR. Refuseniks (Jews and others) were not allowed to practice their religion and denied emigration.

I was always connected with the plight of my Jewish people. As a 10-year-old I wrote to U.S. President Richard Nixon and implored him to “let my people go.” He never replied.

With a pang of “maybe I should visit some refuseniks,” I used my Jewish network, and met up with Rabbi Felder, a religious Jew in North London. He had a long grey beard, black hat, and gave me banned books (by Golda Meir, Abba Eban and prayer books), Passover matzah, and Star of David necklaces. Rabbi Felder trained me on what to expect at border control.

“Once they see all the Jewish items, they will stop you instantly,” he warned. “A guard at a booth will look at a mirror positioned behind your head. It will unnerve you, but disregard it,” he counseled.  

Rabbi Felder gave me refuseniks’ names and phone numbers to find and deliver the goods. “Keep the contacts hidden on your body,” he advised. I wrote them down in a thin blue vinyl address book. “Good luck, may God protect you.”

As our plane landed at Moscow’s Sheremetyevo Airport, I saw large Soviet cement buildings and cranes dot the grey March skyline. Several college students smoothly went through customs before me. At my turn a guard asked me truncated questions while looking at a thin horizontal mirror behind my head as expected. He was menacing, wearing a grey felt coat tightly belted at the waist and a black leather collar, similar to the Wizard of Oz’s flying monkeys. 

I struggled to picked up my large blue duffel bag and put it on an x-ray machine. A man in a black suit with greasy black hair took me aside.

He picked through my belongings knowing which items to pile on a steel grey table. With a box cutter, he sliced open the sealed matzah boxes and asked why I needed it. 

“Why are you carrying all these Jewish books? Why do you need so many of the same book? Who are you going to visit while you are here?”

I had been trained. 

“I am Jewish and will be celebrating the Jewish holiday of Passover,” I said with confidence. 

Pointing to my American co-travelers, I said, “These are my friends, and we celebrate together. We each need the Haggadah book to follow the ceremony.”

He asked me to step aside, where two women with dark grey handkerchiefs started to pat my body. It was humiliating. My confidence waned and I started to cry. They kept saying, “Nyet, Nyet,” no doubt feeling sorry me. 

“Do not meet with anyone. I will allow you to gather your things and enter our country. Remember you are a guest,” said the investigator.

I nodded, feeling scared and grateful that they didn’t find the blue address book that I’d hidden in the inner pocket of my jean culotte pants. 

My only friend on the trip was Julie. “Good thing you asked everyone to wear a Jewish star, Mara. I’d hate to see what that guy would have done if he found those.”  I looked sheepishly at the other students. 

“Sorry,” I said.  “I didn’t realize they would be so thorough and intimidating.” The college students didn’t seem to mind. It was part of an adventure. For me, though, it was an act of defiance.

We stayed in the centrally located Metropol Hotel. Only tourists were allowed in the hotels. Rabbi Felder had warned me that all of its rooms were bugged. Sure enough, an older woman sitting at a table greeted Julie and I as we emerged from the elevator. She gave us a brass room key on a wooden ball. Regardless of the time of day or night, someone was there to dole out the key and receive it when we left. I felt like a stranger’s hands went through my clothes when I wasn’t there. 

Heeding Rabbi Felder’s warning, I called Regina, (a Jewish refusenik) from a phone booth in the street. She invited me for a Passover Seder, and gave directions via metro subway. My tourist trip had a free night, so I left with my blue duffle bag full of Jewish books and items. 

The nearby Moscow Ploshchad Revolyutsii metro station was beautiful with its twinkling colorful mosaics and gilded bronze statues. I thought I was in a combination of a Turkish mosque and Versailles Palace.  

Somehow I found the rundown apartment building. I climbed the dark staircase with its wooden stairs indented from decades of previous climbers. 

The brisket, gefilte fish and cabbage were the smells of my grandparents’ and mom’s Passover kitchen. My family had come from this country 80 years earlier. The air was familiar and warming. It was Passover, and I was home. 

I emptied the blue duffle with the forbidden items. Regina pointed to a corner table and whispered a non-exuberant “Spasiba,” Russian for “thank you.” It was time for the Seder, not for gratitude.

A 25-year-old man, Simon, who was a couple of years older than me, led the Seder with the Haggadot I had brought. We sang the Four Questions. I understood the Hebrew, not the Russian, although he translated the readings into English for me. The entire Seder was experienced in very dim light for fear of police surveillance.

Someone asked what we were served for breakfast at the hotel. 

 “Black bread, cheese, and herring, ” I said.

 “There is no cheese in Moskva this week,” was the answer.  Tourists were treated better than the citizens.

Simon walked me back to the Metro after the Seder. He openly carried the “banned books” that I had brought, with Gold Meir’s My Life on top. The books were obvious to anyone walking by. I mentioned it.

“What else can they do to me?” Simon responded. 

He was an underground Hebrew teacher — teaching any refusenik Jewish customs and Hebrew — and was trained by people who visited clandestinely from the US and Israel.

It was at that moment that I decided my career and future. If it was so difficult for Jews in Russia to practice, and even more difficult for them to leave, then I would dedicate my life to building Jewish life in the U.S. and in my home country, Canada.

It was a light-switch moment. I also knew that I would become involved in the “Let My People Go” advocacy initiatives back in Boston.  Not yet 21, I was full of passion and, clearly, naive.

I returned on the Metro to my hotel, attended the remaining heavily guided tours of Moscow’s Red Square, Kremlin (outside), iconic St. Basil’s Cathedral, and a performance at the Bolshoi Theatre. We took an overnight train to Leningrad (its name returned to “St. Petersburg” in 1991.) I peeked out the drafty train windows. The bright moon lit the thatched roofs and towns which looked like they were straight out of a scene in Fiddler on the Roof. 

Leningrad was filled with more sites—the Hermitage Museum, Lenin’s Tomb, and naval ships. We also waited in line for an hour for ice cream. Two guards jumped the line, screaming between gritted teeth at a shop girl, who broke down in tears. This was not a friendly place. 

Thankfully, the trip was over and I eagerly left with my group. Touching down at Heathrow Airport, I felt free again. Yes, I had witnessed beautiful buildings and art, but my experience visiting refuseniks overshadowed the esthetics. 

Now I knew why my family had left in the late 1800’s. I also knew what I had to do in the last decades of the 1900s and into the next century. 

Author’s Note: It is now 42 years later. I have had a long career in Jewish communal work in Canada and in the U.S. I have advocated to release refuseniks (emigration waves started in 1986), amplified the stories of Holocaust survivors, conducted community surveys, and built bridges with people of other faiths and cultures in the name of social justice and civil society. 

Now is a complicated time to be Jewish and to be concerned about a shared society. I am looking forward to a time when all people can work collaboratively together. Until then, I’ll write my memories of a time when reading a book in the open was a crime and feel grateful that I can still read a book openly here. 

Mara is a writer, writing facilitator, and long-time Jewish communal professional who has worked in Toronto, Boston, and Buffalo. Most recently, she was a Jewish Community Relations Council Director and Holocaust Resource Center executive director putting her smack in the middle of interesting conversations and events.  She has published in the Globe & Mail, Buffalo News, Baltimore Jewish Times, and The Jewish Advocate, and has edited an anthology, Mourning has Broken: A Collection of Creative Writing about Grief and Healing. She lives in Buffalo, NY with her family.

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Filed under American Jewry, history, Jewish, Jewish identity, Jewish writing, Judaism, Russian Jewry

We Must Have Apples

by Beth Kanell (Waterford, VT)

Rain returned as we met the new year. She danced,

spread perfumed presence. Rosh Chodesh Elul sang to us. 

Mouths wet at last, our tongues merged in prayer, chanted

gratitude. Thirst assuaged.

The calendar refreshed proclaims the Days of Awe.

Yesterday’s air, dry with drought, hung dusty with death—

now the tree trembles, as droplets pelt the leaves,

soak into soil. Roots

demand tenderness. Who longs for honey on the tongue, 

while the hills bruise to umber, tarnished with gold, splashed

with blood-bright crimson? The weather forecast misses this:

proposes paper profiles  

as we taste promises. Out to sea, cyclones seethe. Rain

may increase this evening. The first day of the Jewish new year

starts at sundown, rarely the same day of an autumn month

the calendar also dancing

which is why we are picking apples in such rain; wind could

scatter them on the ground, bruise them, aromatic invitation

to passing deer, who devour in darkness. We are almost ready,

recipes laid out. Memories

of grandparents and of children’s questions. Of answers

that we can’t yet believe. Of what we could not prevent: raw

grief for the unrescued, the damaged, the struggle to praise

as we witness death. Wash

with tenderness. Fruit, too, desires cool water. Paring. A wiped

board for sorting, slicing, blade laid to red-green apple peel 

that curls in crisp helix around our fingers. Regrets, resolutions:

a busy kitchen, scrubbed hands,

heart shaken and struck by the evening news. Rain splashes,

weeping. It falls on the just and the unjust, the judged, the parched

urgency of the garden in autumn as squash ripens, carrots swell,

atonement hesitates, the Taurid meteors

spit fireballs across September’s crisp crust. Aroma of apples.

Of my mother’s cinnamon willingness, my father’s tobacco,

the sour tang of sweat and fear in any crowded room. Open doors

admit fresh forgiveness: hear the rain.

Beth Kanell lives in northeastern Vermont among rivers, rocks, and a lot of writers. Her poems seek comfortable seats in small well-lit places, including Lilith Magazine, The Comstock Review, Indianapolis Review, Gyroscope Review, The Post-Grad Journal, Does It Have Pockets?, Anti-Heroin Chic, Ritualwell, Persimmon Tree, Northwind Treasury, RockPaperPoem, and Rise Up Review. Her collection Thresholds is due in early 2026 from Kelsay Books. Join her for conversation (bring your own tea) at https://bethkanell.blogspot.com.

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Filed under American Jewry, history, Jewish, Jewish identity, Jewish writing, Judaism, poetry